some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
