I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
