And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
