Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize