she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
