I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
