Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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