someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
