walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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