i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
