It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
