two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
