Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
