walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
