My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
