I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
