Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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