Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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