Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
