Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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