So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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