I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
