Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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