someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
