Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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