You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
