Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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