I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize