first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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