Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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