What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
