his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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