Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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