Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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