Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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