Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
