ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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