I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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