Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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