he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
