I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I would ride that face into the sunset
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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