I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
