If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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