My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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