I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
