Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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