Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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