I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
