So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
