So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
