I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
