it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
