This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize