u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
and you fell through a lawn chair
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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