Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize