I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
