Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
