can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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