You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
