you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
